thinspo 1

Also, no longer

i was following peoples blog anonymously, now i am publicly.

:)

meaningless post

progress undone

this week has been a nightmare! instead of loosing weight, IVE GAINED WEIGHT. im like 70kgs right now.WTH.

i think ill post some thinsporation pics tonight ;]

ive been ATTACKING these christmas cookies.

one has 310 calories, ive had like 5 today.

theyre just so tasty.

hell week

Some sort of progress

My 2 week break starts tomorrow.

Chew and Spit= worked wonders, HOWEVER-you should google it. i didnt like the fact that it can cause you to look bloated,etc.

I think i've stopped purging,completely.

(Kilograms)

10th: 69 kgs

12th:69.6kg in the morning, then 68.2 kgs after going out

13th: 68.6 kg

14th: 68.8kg

15: 68.6 kg

16: 68.2 kg

17: 68.2kg (had a party and went to 69 kg at night)

18: 68.4 (had another party and went to 70kg at night)

SEE HOW AFTER THE 17TH,I WENT DOWNHILL?

...i was so close to 67.8kg's,AND I FUCKED MYSELF OVER.

damn.

i want to be 10lbs lighter before i go back to school in january.

i hope i can do this.

i want to chew and spit more. getting the flavor, without the solid fat. BUT i do swallow a little bit, because i know its bad if i dont. but when you spit in that bag,and look at the wet,thick,creamy chewed up food, you think "THATS what im putting on my thighs? GROSS".

i eat healthier now-ignoring my horrible party incidents-

short term goal: 65 kgs

seems like i just cant do it

seems like i just cant do the abc diet.

this shit sucks.

the day before yesterday day,i ran and burned 300 calories, i was so proud.

but i love food, it takes so good, but then i decided to spit and chew yesterday.

i ate my breakfast, small amount of watermelon, school lunch, then spit and chewed dinner and snacks: cookies,doughnuts,french fries-i spit it all in a plastic grocery bag. it was pretty heavy.

yay for not putting on that solid fat!

ive been obsessing with thinspo music:

feed me, bring and purge, never good enough, courage, beauty from pain,

but i need more.

i used to use mints to hold down hunger and the urge to eat sugar, but now im practically immune.

i just want to be light and cute.

By the way, (and i know i sound crazy)- but i wish i could make a skinny clone of myself, that would stand by my front door of the house and yell "YOU CANT COME IN UNLESS YOUVE CONSUMED LESS THAN 500 CALORIES", i know id be much more productive.

i guess its "ana herself" in my head, but i dont believe in her, because i eat eat eat.

break is coming..sounds like a good chance to try to loose atleasst 10-20 lbs.

failure

i was determined to do the ABC diet, and ive failed.

started on the 3rd of December: and i went over 700calories

4th, i did 480 cal, thats good

5th, i did 360 cal, good

6th, failed.

7th,fail

today,HUGE FAILURE.

so tomorrow( the 9th), im restarting, HOWEVER, since ive used up 8 days, instead of 50 days, it will be 42 days.

ive started too see HOW FUCKING FAT my legs are.

fucking ffffat

i hate my legs. theyre fat as pigs.

and my arms, ew dont even get me started.

i want to be beautiful,and happy.

i eat when im bored or tempted my senses.

im STILL the same weight, although ive been working out alllll the time and consume less junk...although i had mcdonlads today... at 4:33pm. its not bad because its not late, but i felt the fat clogging my chest, it was such a gross feeling.

.... does anyone know how to end this binging?

i want diet pills,they work wonders- but im not allowed to have them, and i dont want to get them secretly because it's a health risk.

i want to live as long as possible, and be like a size 5. 4more sizes=40lbs.

i dont know if i can do it.

so from now,starting this very second,ill be on a strict diet, ill post my weight everyday.

current- 152lbs

todays 11/28, friday.

by 11/30, i want to be 149.6lbs

lets see how this goes

the solutions

Feeling like some nice hot french fries? A big soft chesse burger? A cold strawberry milkshake? FORGET IT.
-I'll fill my stomach with water until i no longer feel the hunger,
-listen to "Feed Me" by Julina Hatfield over and over,
-type type type,
-run my ass off,
-eat in the mirror, naked.
-chew gum,and swallow it. It leaves a full feeling in my stomach.
- neatly hand write all the possibilities of changes in my life if i were at least 10 lbs lighter.



I need more solutions..

I have solutions but...

bulimia is killing me.
i tried purging yesterday,but my body refused, so i didnt.
i gained.
One morning i was 68.4kg, i went shopping,and the next day i was 67.2
i was so happy!
and i woke up today as 68.4kg ... then i binged...
So next time, when im home and i feel like pigging out, ill type. Type and Type and Type.
I want to look heavenly, not like a fat chunky fat ass.

Today, i ate:
an apple-good
school lunch-horrible
6 kit kats-horrible
2 slices of bread with cheese-horrible

Hopefully my bulimia comes to a complete stop this time.

185-x
180-x
175-x
170-x
165-x
160-x
155-x
150-X
145-
140-
135-
130-


I need to remind myself that i am not a COMPLETE failure

First post

I usually write in my journal when i want to talk abut my weight, but that takes too long. In addition, i wouldn't have any moral support.
Long story short, everyone at my school looks skinny, and there is no room for people of my weight. Some people find me intimidating.
I want to be able to walk without my thighs touching.
Right now, my knees don't touch-they used to.
I don't support eating disorders, ironically,i have one; bulimia..
I started July 24th.
7/24: puke
7/25: puke
7/26: puke
7/28: puke
7/31: puked 4 times
8/1: puke
8/3: puked 2 times
8/4 : puked 2 times
8/5: puke
8/6: puke
8/10: puke
8/11: puked 3x, tasted the stomach acid-scared.
8/12: puke
8/13 : puke
8/14: puke
8/18: puke
8/24: puke
9/3: puke
9/22: tried to puke,couldnt bring my body to do it.
10/8: puke
10/17: puke
10/26: puke
10/27: pukes up only about a table spoon worth or two

So why'd I record and type that? To make myself realize all the hurt im putting onto my body.
I need to sleep, ive got a big day tomorrow. I'll continue this tomorrow if i have the time.
I want to stop being bulimic, and just be healthy..